I just returned from an extraordinary retreat, the in-person component of The 3 Keys to Genital Dearmouring For Reclaiming and Expanding Pleasure, with Rahi Chun. Giving and receiving attuned, caring, skillful touch, and experiencing in my body a profound healing effect, was a transformational experience! After the retreat, I was able to feel more sensation throughout my pelvis ... to feel more pleasure! My entire body felt more relaxed; even muscles in my back, hips and shoulders released some of their holding.
What is genital dearmouring (also spelled dearmoring)? Essentially, our bodies create holding and tension (body armor) when our authentic desires and needs are overridden, and someone else touches us with their agenda (as opposed to meeting our desires and needs). This can happen at a physical, emotional or mental level. It can form from physical or sexual abuse, verbal shame and judgment, unconscious touch by someone who themself is not present, an intrusive medical procedure, repeated instances of sexual activity before proper foreplay, or because somebody unintentionally does something that doesn’t feel good, and we don’t speak up to let them know.
Body armor is the body’s attempt to protect itself and stay safe. Whether it’s from unprocessed emotions or from physical harm, body armor leads to holding and tension, restrictions, numbness, a sense of burning or stinging, or even pain. I have experienced all of these myself.
The good news is, there is hope and help! You don't have to be alone with this.
The three keys to genital dearmoring are:
1) Supporting a sense of safety within the nervous system, so that it feels safe to receive touch.
2) Reclaiming your body’s authentic sovereignty & empowering your sexual autonomy, so that you can notice and ask for the kind of touch you want (i.e. reclaiming choice and voice).
3) Mapping your genitals, noticing where the armor is held, and using breath, sound, touch and presence to allow it to release.
Much of our sexual “wiring” occurs during our early developmental years, in relationship to our caregivers. Sexual wounds occur in relationships. Healing can also occur in relationships, and this is the beauty and hope of doing genital dearmouring with a safe and skillful practitioner, or with an attuned and caring partner.
When we are really seen, heard and held by someone with caring presence, who is attuned to our needs and responses, it’s possible to feel safe. When it is safe enough for us to notice the sensations in our body and what kind of touch feels good, and ask for what we need and want, we begin to heal. The process of noticing something we want or are curious about, asking for it, and receiving it, is profound. When this happens over and over, deeper and deeper layers of holding can let go, and we can feel more pleasure.
What does the genital dearmouring process look like? It’s slow, at the pace of trust and safety with your body. Our bodies process much more slowly than our minds. You may comprehend immediately and become willing to do dearmouring work. Your body takes much longer to feel safe, to begin to release tension and sink into being held. Dearmouring work most likely will span a number of sessions, with each one including the 3 keys (support safety; choice and voice; and mapping/dearmouring).
Pleasure is used as a resource, along with breath, sound, touch and presence. Exploring your whole body to find the erogenous zones helps identify areas of pleasure, which can then intentionally resource and support areas where there may be numbness, discomfort, stinging, burning, etc. (i.e. armor) Connecting areas where there is armor with the areas of pleasure, along with breath, sound, touch and presence, supports your body in releasing whatever armor it is ready to let go of.
There is time for stillness at the end of each session, so that your body can integrate the experience.
Intrigued? Want to learn more? Please reach out if you'd like to talk about it with me.
Rahi is offering the class again, and you can check it out at https://somaticsexualwholeness.mykajabi.com It starts March 20, 2024, and it’s not too late to sign up! The course includes a wealth of materials, with regular calls throughout the course where you can ask questions, and listen to an array of really amazing speakers. If you decide this is for you, use the code MELODY to receive a $100 discount off the registration.
Top Photo by Saad Chaudhry on Unsplash